OPP

I won't explain the title those who understand will understand.

Long time no post.
Over the last month I have been spiraling farther into dispare .oO(the light at the end of my tunnel has been turned out due to financial constraints) I've found myself wondering what it would be like to walk infrount of a car or pick a fight with someone and not fight back. Then I made friends with someone new and things where good. I went to work each day with a purpose, I started to take pride in my appearance, even started shaving every day, and and using chemicals to clean my pours .oO(please no gay comments). Then in my usual selfdestructive way, during and email conversation, I kinda let out that friends is not where I wanted to be.... Now all this seems prety harmless until you find out that she's happily married with three children and I'm married with a cat .oO(can't have children at this time), which is where things complicate. All seems okay now but I'm left analysing everything I say and wondering what she is thinking. I don't want it to be true but I think Harry has a point "Men and Women just can't be frinds".
She is still my Kryptonite, whenever I go near her my knees go weak, I start to sweat and I muddle everything I say. I hope this doesn't continue as I would like very much for us to be friends.