Monster Garage

Sunday was a good day for distractions. I had a friend come 'round to work on my mini, it's more of a social thing he came around and we talked for a couple hours .oO(mainly about work, not what your thinking, none of my frinds know. It's just me, the shrink and my Ladyhawk) then we worked on the mini for about two hours before my back and chest played up so bad that we had to stop.

TaxiRide

I had a fight with my wife today about spending money, mind you not on me on her. You see here's how it is she's got this christmas party on and the car is in the shop .oO(my fault.... don't get me started) I suggest take a taxi AU$53 each way .oO(like I care how much as long as she has fun) anyway fight ensues no talking most of saturday wasted. Oh...! Just another quick gem, when your woman tells you she want you to be honest that only applies to the things she wants you to be honest about it's up to you to work out which is which. I give you one for free "Do I look like I've lost weight?" if she doesn't.... LIE!!! I found this out the hard way more of my saturday wasted.

Friday on My Mind

My Ladyhawk, it seems, thinks that everything is fine just because I saw a shrink and was able to let out some of the things in my head. Althouht friday was a good day for being able to talk to my Ladyhawk, I saw in a social situation and was able to start a conversation but it kinda got a bit strange for me after a bit and I had to bail, it took me a good minute for anything to come out but I must say the view was amazing while I waited. Later that day my Ladyhawk called me up to watch her do something IT related .oO(I don't want to diclose specifics of my work, that's not what this blog is about) not wanting to pass up any invitations to watch her do anything is showed up with bells on .oO(not literially, that would've been stupid) and we talked for what seemed like ages but alas it was probibly only a couple of minutes but I think the talk with the shrink was benificial except the part when she told me that I should stop anything non-job related as this is not helpful .oO(I just can't). It seems my Ladyhawk is having husband troubles and despite my reassuring her I have a simpathetic ear she does not wish to confide in me .oO(mayhaps it is my confict of interest) I just want to kick his arse the dude just doesn't appreciate what he has, so new rejeme "I'm gonna be working mine off to kick his".

Send in the Clowns

AHH! Shirley Bassey one of the greats.

I told my ladyhawk of my epiphany and the response I got baffles me. I sent an exact copy of the Pocket Full of Kryptonite post and all the response I got was "oh yes, I think! :)" *confussed* What the heck does that mean??? I don't think conversing by email helps as I can't hear how it is said. I have tried to arrange a face to face lunch so I can get my head straight but she is affraid of two people having lunch together, given what I have told her.

A Pocket Full of Kryptonite

That's right Spindocter's album .oO(you're getting good at this).

Eureka! I've had an epiphany, suddenly everything seems alot clearer. It's not my ladyhawk who is my kriptonite it's women in general. Here's how it went .oO(no need to avert your minds it has nothing to do with getting into a tub of water nor running down the street naked) I get into a lift on the fifth floor female also gets in on fifth floor and engages me in conversation *kryptonite effects ensue* I press level one she presses G the doors close, elevator starts descent, conversation continues. Elevator doors open, I disembark from the elevator with the doors closing behind me only to realise that I've gotten off on the fourth floor .oO(It just seemed so long I thought I had arrived. I blame Enstein damn relitivity). She must have thought I was an idiot.

I just have no social skills when it comes to women!

With No Remorse I Want To Die

Yep, you're correct Atari Teenage Riot, No Remorse

It seems like an easy way out. I think people who commit suicide are weak I don't want that to be me, but if someting was to happen to me or if someone else was to kill me I think it would be a releif.

Will It Ever End?

I just saw her again.... Will I ever be able to just have a "normal" conversation without these feelings or will it be like this forever I am so confussed... Does anyone have the answer?

F@#K With Me Ensues Certain Danger

Yes it's another line from a song Shock by Fear Factory. It's just how I feel at the moment .oO(I'm looking for a fight to lose).

Driver Warning

Late warning stay off the roads today.

I got up this morning and was instantly hit by a kinda heady feeling but as my wife can't drive I had one of the scariest drives to work so far weaving, speeding all the time my anxiety levels rising I am glad my wife was in the car to keep me kinda sain. Nearly didn't make it to work though as I attempted to share a lane with another car, one that was kinda bigger. Now I just sitting back and blogging, listening to fear factory trying to calm down before I start work.

Can't Get You Out of My Head

In the throws of an anxiety attack .oO(although still calm enough to blog).

I am glad to be your friend
And my brain I am trying to mend
The thoughts in my head are all about you
About these thoughts, someone I need to talk to
At this moment I feel quite alone
No one to talk to, no one to phone
I wonder if my thoughts are normal
None inappropriate, all are formal
I just want to let them out
I don't know what this is all about
My thoughts like cancer killing inside
But to be kind my feelings I hide
I just can't get you off my mind
And the words I try to find
Are not there to be found
I open my mouth but not a sound
It may seem that I am a fool
But I am capable of keeping my cool
I just can't focus to do it today
I hope you forgive me for what I say
As, of the alternatives to get what's inside out
This is the safest without a doubt
Thankyou for your time in this matter
I'll just go back life without a clatter

Sorry about that, Just trying to relieve the pressure on my brain but if I told it to my LadyHawk I would seem insain.

Is Any Body Out There

I'm curious .oO(which is just my nature) but is there anyone out there that reads this crap. I mean I've not had one comment on any of my posts. I pour out my soul for the world to see and all you can do is read and leave.... Well fine you do that see if I care.

Tuesday Seems So Far Away

Life after Tuesday has been good but then yesterday my wife and I went to her psycho doctor .oO(this is how we refer to shrinks) which wasn't so bad in itself but we had a fight in the car on the way home. I retreated into my world and clamed up and we have not really spoken to each other since. I'm affraid I have upset her too much and she will leave me .oO(I couldn't LIVE without her).

OPP

I won't explain the title those who understand will understand.

Long time no post.
Over the last month I have been spiraling farther into dispare .oO(the light at the end of my tunnel has been turned out due to financial constraints) I've found myself wondering what it would be like to walk infrount of a car or pick a fight with someone and not fight back. Then I made friends with someone new and things where good. I went to work each day with a purpose, I started to take pride in my appearance, even started shaving every day, and and using chemicals to clean my pours .oO(please no gay comments). Then in my usual selfdestructive way, during and email conversation, I kinda let out that friends is not where I wanted to be.... Now all this seems prety harmless until you find out that she's happily married with three children and I'm married with a cat .oO(can't have children at this time), which is where things complicate. All seems okay now but I'm left analysing everything I say and wondering what she is thinking. I don't want it to be true but I think Harry has a point "Men and Women just can't be frinds".
She is still my Kryptonite, whenever I go near her my knees go weak, I start to sweat and I muddle everything I say. I hope this doesn't continue as I would like very much for us to be friends.